Opinions on the opening of my husbands book?

My husband is trying to be a writter and I think he is very good but he would like others opinions, please be honest and tell me what you think about the opening, good and bad critics please!





Ben Crosby sat at the far end of a table in an over lighted break room. The fluorescent glow was a constant reminder of how unnatural it was to be working at this ungodly hour. He munched on his vending machine sandwich with little enjoyment, he considered these meals to be one step up from eating cardboard slathered in mayonnaise, but sometimes he needed a little extra food at night to keep himself going. Gilly sat across from him, head in hands, snoring quietly. As Ben saw it he had two choices, he could kick the table hard with his steel toed boot and scare the **** out of his friend, or he could let the man sleep and then laugh his *** off when Norm came in and woke him with a spew of obscenities


Maybe this seems like a cruel joke to play on a friend, but Gilly had played his share of pranks and would no doubt take it in stride. Besides, there are so few things that can entertain a man who is eight hours into a twelve hour night shift.


He stood up and put on his safety glasses, smiling to himself, he only wished that he would still be in the room when Norm showed up. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and all his good cheer vanished in an instant. There was never good news in a text received at three in the morning, unless of course you are a junkie. Ben was not a junkie, and only two people had this number. One of them was sitting across from him, snoring over his half eaten mac and cheese, the other was his wife Donna.


Pulling the phone from his pocket, Ben could read the caller’s name without flipping the phone open. She should be asleep, she had to be up in the Morning to get Jenny ready for school, and then to go to work. Donna was a hard worker, and no one would ever call her lazy, but she loved to sleep, and was usually in bed as soon as her daughter drifted off to dreamland. Hesitating only for a second, Ben flipped open the phone, and pressed the button that would retrieve the message. The words on the screen froze his blood. SOMETHING WRONG W JENNY COME HOME NOW.





II


Donna Crosby sat by her daughter’s bed listening to her draw in breath after ragged breath. The little girl was cool to the touch, but she moaned and writhed, and no matter how hard she tried, Donna could not get Jenny to wake up. She had text Ben, but she no longer thought that was enough. She picked up the phone and dialed his cell number. He picked it up on the first ring and she had to choke back a sob before explaining to him what was happening.


She hated bothering him at work, and there had been a few times in her daughters younger days that Donna, being a first time parent had called him away because the little girl had the sniffles. He never got angry with her over it, understanding her protective nature, but he hated missing work. Not because he enjoyed his job, but because he hated to be seen as playing hooky.


This was not the sniffle’s, and as if to enforce the gravity of the situation, Jenny began to scream, the sound was blood curdling, filled with terror and sorrow. Ben would not think twice about coming home now, and Donna wept as she hung up the phone.

Opinions on the opening of my husbands book?
Good opening of a blue collar working man and his trivials with his friends. He doesn%26#039;t explain his job too much, which would add %26#039;fluff%26#039; to the story.


The opening is not realistic. An over lighted room might be hard to do with flourescent lighting. He might say, %26quot;the room flickered with the dim light of the cheap flourescent lighting%26quot;


or something like that.


Whatever character he chooses to use %26quot;Gilly%26quot; for example, should have a little biography, so the reader can get to know them, that is if he is going to use them later.


Go back and forth from the job, the main characters, and of course, himself. Describe features, pretend the book is like watching a movie.


The sickness of the child is confusing. The reader is left guessing what the problem is. Research childhood diseases and use real symtons.


Describe Donna as you go back and forth with the child, ie %26quot;we met in high school%26quot; etc....%26quot;our marriage was rocky%26quot; etc..


Overall, it flowed well. Use some similes, such as %26quot;Donna listened to her labored breathing with fear, and the fear grew as her breathing increased, and the sweat pouring reminded Donna of a premonition of death.%26quot; Keep builiding the intesity so the reader say%26#039;s %26quot;No don%26#039;t die!%26quot;


I think you%26#039;re on your way.


I%26#039;m an avid reader and an example I will give you is War and Peace, beside being terribly boring at times, the main story he described the characters so well you could draw a picture of them, and he described their personalities so well you loved them dearly, or hated them.


Make them laugh, cry, guess, and most importantly, the structure, what is the book really about?


That%26#039;s all I can give you.


Good writing!
Reply:It is good, however there is a bit of overuse regarding commas. I suggest also using words like he a little less. Many of the sentences could be combined into one. Reread the whole thing and you%26#039;ll understand what I mean. I think it has potential!
Reply:It has a few barely-noticeable grammatical errors, but other than that, It%26#039;s really, really good. I want to read more!!!



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